GOALS:
Be able to assert your power.
Claim you space without fighting with others.
Be yourself without acting better or worse than others.
Express what you think, feel and want without manipulation.
Be the truly unique and amazing individual that you are!
PLAN:
Here is a 4-Step Plan with suggestions that have worked for many of my clients for how to accomplish your goals.
You may need to keep a journal, talk to a therapist or both.
Step-1. Pay attention to what is going on inside of you. Step-2. Take notice of any internal conflicts (I have collected examples of ten internal conflicts below to help you in yourself-analysis). Step-3. Don’t perpetuate the conflicts because that creates self-doubt and making you an easy target. Instead, think them through and decide what to do and... Step-4. Do it!
10 common internal conflicts I have identified through years of working with clients who wanted to stop being people pleasers:
Accept Yourself vs. Seek Acceptance by Others: People-pleasers often grapple with the conflict of being true to themselves versus molding themselves to be what others want or expect.
Self-Respect vs. Approval by Others: The desire to stand up for oneself and one's values can conflict with the fear of upsetting others or being disapproved of.
Desire for Intimacy vs. Fear of Loss: While they may yearn for genuine, deep relationships, people-pleasers might avoid conflicts, leading to superficial connections to avoid losing the other. Their behavior often results in causing what they fear.
Personal Boundaries vs. No Boundaries: The need to set personal boundaries and take time for oneself clashes with the urge to always be available and accommodating to others.
Need for Independence vs. Validation by Others: The inherent desire for independence and self-reliance can conflict with a reliance on external validation from others.
True Feelings vs. Imposture Feelings: People-pleasers may suppress their actual emotions (like anger or sadness) to adopt feelings they believe are more acceptable to others.
Desire for Growth vs. Fear of Change: Personal growth might mean evolving beyond the people-pleasing behavior, but the fear of how others will react to this change can cause tension.
Self-Care vs. Prioritize Others: The intrinsic need for self-care and personal well-being is often overshadowed by the compulsion to take care of others' needs first.
Need for Autonomy vs. Submission: The wish to make decisions based on personal preferences and beliefs conflicts with the tendency to go along with what others dictate or prefer.
Personal Values vs. Conformity with the Norm: A people-pleaser might compromise on deeply held personal values to fit into a group or satisfy someone else's expectations.
These internal conflicts arising from people-pleasing behaviors can lead to self-doubt, overwhelm, feelings of emptiness, and resentment towards oneself and towards others.
Recognizing and addressing the root causes of internal conflicts is crucial for personal growth and for establishing healthier interpersonal relationships.
Don’t hesitate to explore each side but soon you have to put an end to your internal conflict by clearly committing to only one side!